Hallo-Weenie.

I am a hallo-weeny.

I have a love hate relationship with Halloween. 

I love it for so many reasons. 

Big girl reason 1. Candy. 

I'm sure it comes to no surprise, that I love the candy. I didn't get this in shape, my shape is round, by pumping iron to Olivia Newton John in the gym and eating carrots. No honey. I got in shape by Reese Peanut Butter Cups and Hershey bars. 

Reason 2.  Dress up. 

Please give me a reason to cover myself in copious amounts of glitter and make up. Please let me dress up. Give me a reason to let all my inner creativity and months of glitter hoarding to come out. Glitter eyeshadow. Glitter hairspray. Glue on glitter. Glitter clothes. Glitter shoes. Glitter lipstick. Glitter. Glitter. And. Glitter. 

***** Fellow Fatty Patties aka Big girls. Please, please, please don't dress up in a skinny girl costume. You cannot be Barbie - you will look like Honey Boo Boo's momma. You don't want people calling you Momma June do you?  Be a fat witch, fat cat, or - wait here's a genius thought - a character that's fat. Like Anna Nicole Smith after her Guess modeling days but before TrimSpa Baby. The Fat Anna Nicole Smith. 

Also please don't buy one of those "sexy" costumes. You won't look sexy. You will look uncomfortable and like a cross dressing Michelin man. 

Be creative*****

I love pumpkins that are carved or painted. I love the decor, the lights, and did I mention the candy ? 

But.

There are somethings that I despise about Halloween. 

I hate pumpkins that are in my food, candles, hand lotions, and flavor. You can so keep that pumpkin flavored basic white girl coffee late mocha, hot or icey, just I can't even deal with out my pumpkin spice Starbucks drink. You can keep your pie. That candle smells like a mix of cocoa butter oil sheen and a baby unicorn flagellant. I do not want the cheesecake that went bad and turned orange so we called it pumpkin. My hands don't need to smell like I killed the Great Pumpkin from Charlie Brown.  

No pumpkin. It is not good. 

I can no longer fall asleep to my TV at night unless it's on Disney. I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up to a horror film preview and screamed like a little girl at the tv. I lost sleep and had a mild heart attack. 

I cannot tell you how many conversations have happened just like this : 

Crazy friend who needs mental help - Julie, we should go to this haunted house, maze, cemetery, field, insane asylum, or place where folks jump out at you and you become incontinent. 

Julie - hell to the no no. 

Crazy friend - oh why not? It'll be so fun to pee our pants, have a mild heart attack, run for our lives, and not sleep for weeks because we are terrified. 

Julie - I can no longer be friends with you. Here's my resignation. 

Why do you want to be scared ?

One time I went to the haunted farm in Medina, against my better judgement. I was about to pee myself in line. I knew better. I had no business there. The line attendants gave us glow in the dark necklaces. 

I knew one of the cops working the event and he could tell I was in distress. He told me he would walk through behind me and even let me carry his Mag-lite. 

Bad choice did he make.

We go in the first house of the farm. The cop was behind me. Every 2 seconds I flashed on that flash light and screamed bloody murder. We make it out the house. 

Guess what's waiting for me outside ? 

Jason.  

Jason also has a chainsaw. 

Jason touches Julie's leg with chainsaw.

Jason just made a bad choice. 

See Julie assault and beat Jason with Mag-lite and glow in the dark necklace. 

See Julie being escorted out of the haunted farm by once upon a time friend that was the cop.

Not a good idea. Like I said. I am a hallo-weenie. 

But the main struggle for me about Halloween is this - 

The first time I walk out of my house and see my breathe in the cool fall air, I want to : 

Call into work. 

Buy out all the Christmas at Hobby Lobby, Walmart, Big Lots, Fred's, and Dollar General. 

I want to turn my house into a Christmas village, inside and out. 

I want to Deck the Halls with boughs of Holly. 

I want chestnuts roasting on an open fire. 

I already know it's cold outside. 

I want Santa Claus to come to town. 

I want to remember that Holy Night when the stars are brightly shinning. 

I want cinnamon and citrus smells. 

I want glitter on every ornament and surface of my life. 

I want stockings hung on the chimney with care. 

Christmas Parties. 

Christmas Church services. 

Dirty Santa. 

Family dinners that are so uncomfortable you laugh. 

 

But. That all has to wait. 

Because apparently it is frowned upon to decorate for Christmas before Halloween has passed. 

Maybe this Halloween I will dress up as Christmas.....